5 Fashion Trends I Hate — The Fresno High Owlet Online

1. Cargo sweatpants

Sweatpants are cool. Cargo pants are cool. But what idiot decided that they needed to be put together? Everything you wear puts out something about you based on the utility of the pant. Sweatpants express a priority of comfort, or that you’re a casual person. Cargo pants establish that you carry, uh, cargo? 99% of the time, whenever I see cargo sweats, there is nothing in the cargo part of the pant. So, what’s the point of paying extra money for pockets you don’t need? Cargo pants and sweatpants express directly conflicting values on people who wear them. Cargos are the opposite of the hyper-casual sweatpant. Sweatpants are mostly used for lounging around the house. Cargo pants are meant for like, mechanics and other laborers. It’s workwear, and while you don’t have to work to wear workwear, at least have the respect for workers to use the extra pockets for something, anything.

Verdict: Unacceptable. Death penalty. Immediately.

2. All-over-print anything

All-over print is corny and usually is mutually exclusive with high-quality materials, at least in my experience. Look, if you wanna wear an all-over-print hemp leaf tech-fleece more power to you. But I am just physically not capable of wearing all-over-print. Or tech-fleece. Or anything with a hemp leaf on it unironically.

Verdict: There’s probably someone that looks good in them, but that person is probably from the east coast.

3. Crocs

While making the film Idiocracy, wardrobe designers searched for a shoe that was both futuristic and stupid-looking. They landed on Crocs. I have nothing more to say. God forbid you’re one of the poor lost souls that paid for platform Crocs.

Verdict: Barely acceptable as ironic wear.

4. Puffer jackets

Unless you’re in a 1990s east coast hip hop outfit you probably look very silly wearing these. There’s about a 40% outfit success rate when wearing puffer jackets. Studies show that suburban teenage boys who wear puffer jackets are 74% likely to enter a relationship and 60% less likely to be employed. They are also 30% more likely to litter on public beaches. If you or a loved one are suffering from chronic puffer jacket usage, there are resources you can reach out to for help. It’s never too late.

Verdict: If you can wear one of these and not look/feel like the marshmallow from Ghostbusters, go for it.

5. The Dunk Clone Epidemic

These Vans Lowland shoes cost about as much as a genuine pair of Nike Dunks.

At this point, the Nike Dunk has been an iconic silhouette for years. Ripped off several decades before the 2020s, it’s almost guaranteed a given shoe brand with any streetwear/casualwear emphasis has its own Nike Dunk rip off. Even Airwalks have their own Dunk rip off. But I knew it was over when I saw Vans Lowland. If you own a pair of Vans Dunk clones, I’m not hating you for not being able to afford $300 for Nike SBs or whatever, but I am turning my head at Vans for having the audacity to rip off Nike. Seriously, are Vans so devoid of new ideas that they ditched the National Geographic collabs in favor of ripping off Nike? Especially in skate culture, Dunk clones are everywhere, and at least when it’s a brand like Lakai or Etnies, at least it’s skater-owned. Vans is a soulless husk of a corporation, a shell of its former glory. I would barely put on Vans if they came from the bargain bin.

No hate to any Vans enjoyers out there; I have seen Vans shoes that I thought looked alright (namely the Half-Cabs and the plain black Slip-ons.) This has nothing to do with people who wear Vans, average Joes looking for a shoe that will last if you’re not a kickflipping maniac. This has everything to do with the modern-day clothing corporation; anti-quality, anti-creativity, and anti-human. In my view, the Vans Lowland is the ultimate admittance of guilt; Vans throwing up their hands and saying “alright, we’re just trend-following to keep our business afloat. We give up.” This and charging $80 for a pair of jeans that other brands would charge $40 for are the nail in the coffin that tells me that Vans are not worth buying.

Verdict: Vans ruined my life